So this week I actually felt great for the first time in a while. I made the dean's list at school, I found a great shirt for the conference I will be working at tomorrow, I got to hang out on Thursday night with my best friend while we treated ourselves to steak and lobster at The Red Lobster restaurant, and I was brought sushi this evening by my other friend. While eating this sushi we were watching my favorite movie. When he left, I realized that I have the entire house to myself, so I can do laundry til the crack of dawn if I feel like it. Or, I can go to bed early, and not have to worry about anyone keeping me up! My biopsy test results came back on Monday, negative for cervical cancer, work is fantastic, my coworkers and I have finally figured out how to communicate effectively, my mom is going back to work on the 23rd, and next week is spring break.
Speaking of which, I will be house sitting a house that has a big screen t.v. with surround sound and a hot tub. :-) My friends are all happy and healthy with happy and healthy children/spouses/significant others, and I am also making new friends, whom I enjoy tremendously! Last week I went snowboarding for a few hours and managed to make it down the bunny slope 3 times without falling, and one of my favorite authors is coming out with a new book in September!! YAY!
To fall asleep with a smile on your face and multiple reasons to get up in the next 8 hours is a wonderful feeling.
I was on OKCupid yesterday, bored as hell, reading forum topics. I stumbled upon a posting under "Confessions" that read:
I miss holding a woman close at night,
listening to the sound of her breathing,
smelling her hair,
and watching her sleep peacefully,
in her most angelic and beautiful state.
The feel of the soft skin of her neck on my
lips when i give one final kiss before falling
into blissful sleep...
i don't think there's any better feeling in the world.
I wish more men felt that way. Or at least admitted to feeling that way.
I had a conversation today, that I don't think went very well. I thought that when you loved someone, even after they didn't treat you just right, you could be friends and not be angry. But apparently I was wrong.
I'm still angry, and maybe even more so now. I want to move on and trust people again, and because of our past issues I can't. I am probably screwing up something really great because you hurt me so much that I am afraid this new person will too. How many times in my life have I passed up the nice guy because I found the bad boy more appealing? How many more times will I put myself through this? At which point will I learn, for MYSELF, that I deserve better and that it's ok to trust someone until they give you reason not to? All men are not created equal, and when I realize that for myself, I won't have to wait for or expect someone to prove it to me.
Because that's just not fair to the nice guy who's trying not to finish last.
Being someone who has absolutely no idea how to be alone, I find myself wanting to be extremely reclusive lately. Maybe it's because I'm single now, and don't really know what that's supposed to feel like, or maybe it's my inner intellectual demanding some time to focus on school, but either way it makes me feel off kilter.
Lately I've been doing an extreme amount of reflecting. My entire life I have done things. Usually those said things have involved LOTS of people. Whether singing in the Church choir with my mom, or playing softball every year from the ages of 5-12. I was in drama, band, choir, SADD, book club, track and field, and volleyball.....my point is, I suck at being alone and doing things for myself and by myself. I'm terrible at it!
EVER.
So how do I get around this pressure? How do I avoid feeling like a social failure? My family's background is Mormon, my friends are all nesting, and even the mailman is getting in on the bridal craze!
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen! Women in the 21st century are "supposed" to be married and having children by the age of 25, along with holding down a great career after having gone to school and gotten their degree in record time! They also should be a size 2 with a perfect smile and a great bikini body!
(Miss America 2009)
At this rate, I should have run for Miss America in 1951
Sad thing is, the expectations were the same back then....
I have the need to write down my feelings and frustrations. Or talk them out. Just do something with them. I am not an internalizer. My problems and ideas need to be worked out vocally. I have often used the analogy that my ideas are like a ball of words, jumbled up in my brain. When I talk things out, or write them down, it's like throwing the ball at the wall; as the ball hits, the words become sentences and all of a sudden I can see the problem written down and I can figure out the answer.
So hello everyone, and welcome to the deep thoughts and amusing musings of my brain, plastered all over this wall for you to read along with me. I write when I have what I call writer's flow, which is the exact opposite of writer's block (hence the website name). So here we go!!